It's a strange thing, how our self-perception can shape our actions. I've found myself stuck in a cycle of fear and self-doubt, unable to move forward with a simple task: writing this blog. Despite knowing that comments and statistics don't define my worth as a writer, the fear of judgment still paralyzes me.
For years, I've struggled with feelings of guilt and inadequacy surrounding my son's upbringing. When his father remarried, I made the difficult decision to let him go. Jennifer Lynn Smart (Jen Jen), his stepmother, became a loving and supportive figure in his life. Unfortunatanelty, Jen Jen passed recently and it sent a shockwave. She was the village chief he needed, and I'm eternally grateful for her role in raising him.
While my son thrived under Jennifer's care, I grappled with the weight of my own choices. Was I selfish for giving him up? Was I running away from motherhood? Was I inadequate as a mother. Looking back, I realize that my decision was driven by a desire for him to have a better life, not by a lack of love or responsibility.
Now, as an adult, my son faces his own challenges and makes his own choices. I fear that he may one day harbor resentment or regret, believing that his father's decisions were harmful. My greatest hope is that he will always know his own worth and the love that drove his parents' choices. We were also young and simply seeking to understand how to be good people and good parents with the examples set for us.
I've carried a heavy burden of self-doubt for years, questioning whether I was a good mother. But I've also learned the power of gratitude. I'm grateful to Jennifer for being a loving and supportive presence in my son's life. I'm grateful for the opportunities she provided him. And I'm grateful for the chance to reflect on my own journey and find peace.
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