Feelings of inadequacy are commonplace. At some point in time, depending on the stage of
life, age in life, or place in society we have all had self-doubt creep into our minds. Personally, I have lived with knowing that I am not enough for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was mouthy. I was very outspoken and opinionated. It didn’t bode well with my mother. Pretty is as pretty does, was the background phrase of my childhood. If I vocalized my sincere five-year-old hatred of broccoli, my ponytail, my brother, or his shoes, I would hear how ugly I was acting. This was most likely followed by scripture and some mention of God not liking ugly. My step father had a stick named the rod of correction. It was a garden stake wrapped in electrical tape. The rod of correction was his tool of torture. Whenever there was an act of disobedience or disrespect my young arms and legs would be covered in welts. From my parents, I learned that my instinctive behavior was wrong. My thoughts were wrong. I learned that I, being myself, was ugly. My parents weren’t trying to break me. In their defense, they wanted me to be the best person I could be.
Throughout life, situations have occurred that caused me to question God and my existence. There have been times that insecurity and self-doubt had me wondering why God
allowed my useless self to form a shadow. Due to this lack of confidence in myself and my
abilities, I am a quitter. If you can name it, I have quit it. At the smallest appearance of difficulty, I back up slowly and out of the picture like the Homer Simpson meme. If you are unfamiliar with the meme, Homer Simpson, the cartoon character, stands
in front of a row of bushes. Even though the meme is silent, you can see from Homer’s expression that he wants no part of what is going on around him. Homer then slowly disappears into the bushes. That is how I remove myself from anything difficult.
Allow me to correct myself, that is how I USED to react to dificulty. At my big age, I have
decided it is time to quit quitting and do something. It is time for me to stop running from
insecurity and run towards difficulty. While doing this I have been learning so much about
myself. I have been thinking about things that I thought I had forgotten. I am doing the work to find out why I am a quitter. My readers, I am taking you on this journey with me. If you don’t mind, we are going to explore my life and my feelings. We are going to talk about what fifty-year-old Felicia Smart thinks of ten-year-old Felicia Banks, twenty-year-old Felicia Smart, thirty-year-old Felicia Banks, and all of the ones in between. I am going to commit to thinking about something all week and then telling you about it on Monday. Maybe Tuesday. I ask you to please keep reading and maturing with me. I promise it will be worth the ride.
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