I think it is time for an update. At the beginning of my blog journey, I wrote about chaos and its effects on me. 2022 seems like it was so long ago. In 2022, I was working as an assembly member in a factory. Before I quit, I was promoted to Group Leader. I had been debating quitting so in my mind, trying a new position would help making that decision. I had
been in leadership and management before. It wouldn’t be difficult to learn a new job. Since I
had worked in this facility for ten years, I was familiar with the way things were done, I knew the
upper management, I thought it would be an easy transition. Taking on responsibility wasn’t the
reason that I ultimately quit.
I ultimately decided that I had grown. I wasn’t the scared woman who just needed to feed her kids anymore. I had support and encouragement. I had the village that I wanted for my children. I had the opportunity to try whatever in the world I wanted to, with the caveat that it had to make me happy. It is very hard to try new things when your entire life has been safe. Until Rajah told me to quit, it never occurred to me that I may be good at anything else.
My patience for the unknown is still under development. I tried customer service. I have
to applaud anyone who works in the service industry.
During my three days talking to customers, I experienced the absolute worst anxiety. The thought of not only harming people by my lack of experience wouldn’t allow me to eat or sleep in peace. This is also why the health industry isn’t for me. My quick experience taught me that I hold other people in high esteem. I don’t want to cause undue harm to strangers. That revelation led to me leaving that job as well.
I have been studying data analysis. I love the idea of being a data analyst. The specifics intrigue me, I love the idea of facts revealing things that have been hidden. While tip toeing in the data waters, I found out how easily I am distracted. During my classes, I found my mind wandering and I was unable to sit and focus if the lesson was difficult. I am going to continue, at my own pace.
Finally, I have started to be serious about writing. In middle school, I had a teacher that really encouraged me to read. Well actually, she kind of forced me to do what I love. When I called an assignment stupid, Hollis Gunderson made me read Gone with the Wind. As I was reading, I found myself thinking of ways to change the events of the story. When I wrote my report , I found my voice. Then, I became a teenager and writing was embarrassing. I didn’t want anyone to know that I liked reading and writing. Today, as I struggle with these words, I wonder what would have become of me if I embraced one single word of encouragement over the years?
I believe that if I had pursued writing, I would have been much better at expressing feelings. Had I cultivated this gift, I may have kept many of the relationships that have gone astray. I would have not felt as lost and unaccepted. Writing could have been the savior that I felt I needed for my entire 20s, 30s, and 40s. I thank God that I have found my voice.
I haven’t given thought to how my financial life would have differed. It seems like a needless waste of thought. I do wonder if I would have been a better mother? Would I have been a better wife to Rajah the first time we were married if I could have just said, I am insecure.
I am not college material. I am scared that you will get smart and stop loving me if I stay dumb?
Would my children have been against college if I had continued writing? I often wonder if I made
my children underachievers? I guess that is a question for next week. I have so many questions, but I kept my commitment for one more week!
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