Some people may be meant to be alone. I’ve always felt alone, even when surrounded by people. The reason is simple, really. It’s called being abnormal or different from the masses. As a child, it always seemed like I was on the outside looking in and watching—trying to understand how to exist among people.
I have never been one for emotion—not because I don’t value it or I’m emotionless. It’s simply a desire for facts before emotion mostly. Being in education, I’ve always been the minority related to race, gender, intellect, experiences, and drive. I’ve watched decisions being made time and time again with a blatant disregard for data that may answer the questions to instead value bias and selfishness to make decisions. It has all become quite tedious in dealing with and seeing what people are becoming.
We talk of diversity but it’s only valued if the system truly believes in differences. It is my experience that being different or seeing the world different is like saying the earth is flat. Folks will look at you crazy or claim you are causing chaos when you are simply seeking to understand. When did we have to like or placate to people in place of professionalism, respect, and integrity? I would rather someone dislike me and do their job than someone like me and be a bum. I would rather a person pass me by than waste time holding a conversation with me if there is no respect. Being the minority, you’re always expected to placate no matter the context (I.e., home, work, friendships). The S!@# is exhausting.
Being who I am was hard initially because I tried to fit in, but that stopped. After multiple disappointments and loss, I have been enjoying being alone. I tried to fit into my family but that never crystallized because I don’t f*#%! with losers, schemers, thieves, and liars in general so I won’t do that for blood “family” that fall into that category either. Not inclusive of course but short minded folks would look at that and believe I’m talking about EVERYONE.
Then you learn how folks in your family really are just people, too —with bias. I’ve found that is actually a good thing. I am a hermit by design, and it’s getting stronger as I age. Plus, I tend to align myself with people that are big or worldly thinkers. They can see the worldview. versus what “they” say or go along because it’s the popular opinion. This is not meant to disparage or that folks are less than. It just means we all align with certain folks. My alignments are just limited.
Honestly, even now, there aren’t many safe places to exist for me. Being used to being alone, I find I talk even less and express less because it doesn’t change much. The loudest dogs barking get the attention. The benefit for me being alone is I make decisions and move on—there is too much noise in my brain to stew in decisions. Concepts and frameworks are always in my head, music or song, conversations replaying and books being written. It’s all too much sometimes. I don’t need more to add. Being popular takes away your freedom. Being sought after makes you a target. You’re only as good as your last idea, and titles are an illusion of importance.
I’m at the age now where I am reflecting and making plans to retreat further into the background and retire. Being alone affords me the opportunity of not having to explain myself or try to decipher the reason I have upset someone when they responded to me with foolishness. As I reflect on the people closest to me I have lost or even those that disappointed me, that’s enough for me now.
After taking on the savior complex for family, friends, and more, I am done. Calling me to talk about your problems is like talking to yourself because I mostly don’t care, nor am I listening. Why? Typically, the folks hitting you up haven’t checked on you.
I am not lonely. I am alone. The reality in life for me is about enjoying what’s left. Taking time to embrace the small things. Death doesn’t scare me, and being alone doesn’t scare me. When it comes, I’ll embrace it like those before me.
What scares me is losing the intellect that has been the one thing I could count on my entire life. Now, I want to enjoy it rather than use it on jobs can’t understand. Without it, there is no life for me. The song “Music and Me” by Michael Jackson says it best: “We’re as close as two friends can be.” It’s okay to be alone when you know who you are and what makes you comfortable.
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